Musing on in-laws

The topic at MOPS today was In-Laws. You can imagine the groans and rolling of eyes this elicited from many women present. I thought it was a great topic. So many women (and probably some men) have issues with their in-laws. I've heard lots and lots of stories. Sometimes I think that, yes, their in-laws are crazy and other times I think that people just need to lighten up and loosen their control a little.

I'm very fortunate to have in-laws that I love and love me back. Doug and Debbie (or the Double D's, as they are affectionately called) have always been wonderful to me. In fact, they call me their "daughter-in-love" rather than "daughter-in-law". Just one word different but the meaning is miles apart. They are emotionally well-adjusted people and I realize that not everyone has the fortune to marry into a great family like that. They have told me that they have been praying for me (not me specifically, just Jay's future wife). That is a wonderful thing to be told.

The speaker today had some good bits of info to share. I will share them here for those of you that find this topic as interesting as I do.

1. In-law relations is a two way street! Both parties contribute to the success or failure of the relationship.

2. The issues that come up can be grouped into these areas:
-competition (usually between the new wife and the mother-in-law)
-lifestyles (we all do things differently)
-control (this is a biggie, at least from the stories I have heard)
-expectations (some moms assume they will be close with the new wife, maybe the new wife wants distance)

3. The best way to deal with problem in-laws is to strengthen your own marriage--present a united front!

4. A healthy family has clear lines of separation/boundaries.

5. Moms must step aside when their children marry--their child has a spouse and they are a family unit now.

This was the best one...

6. You do not have to attend every argument you are invited to! Profound.

After this talk I started thinking about in-laws and the sudden realization that I will be a mother-in-law (hopefully) someday! I know many of us pray each day for the person our child will marry--perhaps we should also include the family of that person! Life is too short to quibble over relatively minor things. I know some folks have dysfunctional families that are unhealthy to be part of; I'm all for keeping distance in that situation. But try not to let the little things undermine what could be a great relationship. Also, remember that your children will see and hear you--if you complain about your in-laws then they may grow up with the expectation that they will also complain when they get in-laws.

For those of us with children, just try to put yourselves in their shoes. Figure out a way to make it work, as Tim Gunn would say. :)

This poem made me tear up when I thought about my little man getting hitched someday.

To His Mother
Mother-in-law they say, and yet,
Somehow I simply can't forget
'Twas you who watched his baby ways,
Who taught him his first hymn of praise,
Who smiled on him with loving pride,
When he first toddled by your side.
Mother-in-law but oh, 'twas you
Who taught him to be kind and true;
When he was tired, almost asleep,
'Twas to your arms he used to creep.
And when he bruised his tiny knee,
'Twas you who kissed it tenderly.
Mother-in-law they say, and yet
Somehow I never shall forget
How much I owe to you,
who taught him how to grow.
You trained your son to look above,
You made of him the man I love.
And so I think of that today
When with thankful heart I'll say,
"Our Mother".

(Anonymous)

I hope that my future daughter-in-law will think of me this way someday!