Friday, October 29, 2010

job description of a mom

I heard this at MOPS this past week and thought it was fitting! :)

Position: Mom, Mommy, Ma

Duration of Position: The rest of your life!

Job Description: Long term players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

Responsibilities: Must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf (this time). Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute and an embarrassment the next. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap plastic toys and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but always be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout facility.

Possibility for Advancement & Promotion: None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills so that those in your charge will ultimately surpass you.

Previous Experience: None required. On the job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

Wages & Compensation: You pay them and offer them raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 with the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

Benefits: No health or dental insurance, pension, tuition reimbursement, paid holidays or stock options are offered. However, this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, free hugs and kisses for life. It is one of the most rewarding things you will ever do and is an investment in eternity!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

it's not me, it's you

Do you get frustrated by the crappy drivers out there? Some days I can ignore it pretty well but other days make me seethe. But of course, I am never a crappy driver--right? ;)

I'm pretty sure that isn't true but I do try to follow the rules most of the time (except that irritating speed limit one). Today I nearly got broadsided by a guy who decided it was his turn to go (it wasn't). I put my hand up as he drove past to say "Dude, seriously?" (no, my middle finger was NOT extended). The silverhaired gentleman did the same to me as he roared past. Which then of course makes me wonder why he seemed to think he had the right of way. Maybe he knew he didn't and figured he could intimidate me into not going. It worked.

Everyday I make a vow to myself as I head out in my car--I vow to just ignore the stupid people around me and not take it personally. It has yet to actually work but it is a good start, right?