Okay, I am looking for help. Ethan is OUT OF CONTROL. I realize that he is 3 1/2 years old and that kids this age are crazy. But he seems a little crazier than most.
He has taken to yelling and screaming at us, ordering us around, and slapping or hitting us when he gets mad. He also has some pretty ferocious tantrums, which is to be expected, I suppose.
I'll admit that Jay and I are not the best disciplinarians around. We lack consistency, mainly because nothing we try seems to work so we move on to something else after a week. We have started spanking but that seems to be sending him a conflicting message---"Don't hit us or we'll spank you".
Does anyone have advice for me? Things that have worked in your family? We leave for Florida in 3 days--I am dreading the behavior issues we are bound to have.
In Ethan's defense--he is a sweet little man most of the time. I understand that he is just trying to figure out his world but I really don't want him to figure it out by treating us this way.
Comment or email me NOW! :)
Grilled Vegetable Pasta Salad
9 months ago
10 comments:
Cops need to speed to catch speeders. They are there to up hold the law and sometimes that required doing things that might seem "conflicting"! Speeders need to learn the lesson at some point before they get in to a horrific crash or cause other issues.
I guess I see it the same way with kids. Sometimes you need to do something that you don't want them to do in order for them to learn a lesson.
They don't know better and they need to be reminded of what is right. If they don't we always escalate the issue to a finger flick, and then a spanking if its needed. We have found if our little one keeps "pushing buttons" all you need to do is ask "do you want your fingers flicked?" And most often he says "No" and backs down.
I think however, each kid will respond differently. I am just glad this has worked so far for us! I am betting that at 3.5 it will not be as effective :(
I hope my amateur logic makes sense. But it is how I justify my actions. I feel that "negotiations" with a 2 or 3 year old just don't work with some lessons.
Good Luck!
Call Super Nanny! Seriously, she's great. If she is not available, Debbie Olson is pretty good.
You don't have to spank with your hand, in fact many people will say not to. Use a spoon or switch. Dobson says your hands are for hugging and the rod is for correcting. You know me, I have read a couple books on the topic, but I think they might scare you if you are not totally on board with spanking. I will pass them on to Emily to give to you, you can decided if you want to look at them. The best advice I can give and continually struggle to follow is not spanking in anger, but rather in correction. :)
One more thing. Someone much wiser than I with grown children that are amazing once told me- you can either deal with the attitude and tantrums now at 3 or you can deal with them at 13. I think I will take my chances now!
As you know I have many opinions about many things especially child rearing. Jon and I have read a few books, listened to sermons/speakers (Driscoll, Chuck Swindoll, etc.) and had the good fortune to witness many of our friends struggle with a variety of parenting issues in different ways and with many different types of children (strong-willed, laid back, etc). Through these different inputs and many conversations, Jon and I have started to determine our parenting philosophy and discuss how we will handle things in the future when our sweet little baby becomes a not so sweet toddler. I realize that you often discount my ideas on parenting since I am not in the same stage as you but since you asked for advice I am going to take this opportunity to give it. People don't have to have identical situations in order to have wise suggestions!
First of all, I LOVE Ethan! I think that he is an absolutely awesome kid with an extremely sweet demeanor. I don't think that he is strong-willed, therefore I think that with a little bit of hard work, you and Jay can correct his behavior. With that said, I have seen his metamorphous into what you call a "monster" over the past few months. Following are some principles and guidelines that I would implement if I were in your situation:
1) Mom and Dad are the boss - Ethan needs to get to a place where he understands that when adults say something needs to happen, then it does. He doesn't need to like it or want to do it but he needs to obey. If he doesn't obey then there is a consequence. This doesn't mean that you warn him 10 times before the consequence because then he is only being taught that he has ten times to misbehave before he is in trouble. The issue in his heart here is rebellion. Perfectly normal, but ultimately it needs to be squelched. This is at the core of all of your frustrations (ie if he more or less listens and respects you, you will be effective in dealing with hitting, eating, etc)
2) You and Jay need to be on the same page and be a "United Front" - the rules need to be the same whether they are coming from Mom or Dad. You and Jay may have to compromise on what those rules will be, but bottom line Ethan needs to understand that he will get the same response from either of you (otherwise kids will learn how to manipulate the situation).
3) You and Jay should educate yourself on child-rearing philosophies - get your hands on books, talk to people, listen to sermons, etc. so that you can hear multiple ideas and use them to formulate your parenting philosophy. Once you have that philosophy you and Jay should have intentional conversations as to what your thoughts are, and how you see these thoughts in action.
4) Consistency - from what I hear from other parents, this is one of the most difficult parts of parenting. You must be consistent in your parenting. It is not fair to Ethan to be allowed to hit baby sister 9 times but on the tenth time to get a spanking. No one is going to be consistent all of the time but we should strive to be consistent as much as possible. He should know he can choose to do an action in rebellion, but his discipline is expected.
5) Follow through - this is VERY important. When you tell Ethan what the consequence of his behavior is going to be then that needs to be the consequence. If the consequence of hitting Baby Sister is taking Hector away then that is what has to happen. After he hits her then, yes he should apologize and feel remorseful, but the apology and remorse are not a substitute for the consequence. Take it from JT, kids need to feel the consequences of their actions or they do not learn. Jon could have avoided many problems in his adult life had his parents not protected him from consequences and thus the painful yet necessary learning experience to not repeat those behaviors.
6) Ethan needs to have expectations of him. He needs to understand that when he makes a mess he has to clean it up (without complaining, crying and throwing himself on the floor). He is old enough to start having small responsibilities around the house.
7) Discipline = Correction - Mark Driscoll, one of Jon and I's favorite pastor (podcast him if you haven't already), puts a lot emphasis on the fact that consequences/discipline like spanking, taking away Hector, etc is not about punishment but is instead about correction. We are implementing these consequences in an effort to correct our children and mold them into responsible adults. I think that this makes it easier as parents because it becomes less about making our children sad and more about doing something that betters them in the future. Example - when we decided to let Andrew "cry it out" in his crib it killed me, but when Jon pointed out that we were teaching him sleeping patterns and ability to self soothe that would carry with him into his adult life it made it easier for me to deal with. Punishment is something done TO a child, correction is something done FOR the child.
8) Sin vs. humanity - another popular Driscoll topic emphasizes that we should not discipline humanity only sinful behavior. Example - at dinner Ethan knocks over his juice spilling it all over the floor - this is not punishable because it was not sinful behavior simply a human mistake. On the other hand, Ethan is horsing around and being wild at dinner, you ask him to stop, he doesn't and then knocks over this juice - this requires a consequence because this was a result of disobedience - sinful behavior.
9) Eating - I have been privy to trying to get Ethan to eat something healthy at meals and I realize that it is not easy nor is it simply about forcing him to eat something (as he will often gag) and that it not an effective method to get a child to eat. However, if you think about how well emotionally an adult would do with mostly sugar and junk food in our bellies to sustain us through out the day you will see how tired, cranky and wild we would be. I am not sure what the solution is in this situation but I would definitely advise not to give him high sugar treats when he doesn't eat his meals. Every meal does not need to be followed with a cookie, ice cream, cake, etc (not saying that is always is). Treats should be just that - treats, not expected endings to meals. Start to give him healthier options as a meal and if he chooses not to eat it then that is fine, he is done with his meal. Right now he knows that if he holds out long enough something sweet will come his way. I believe that Steph had a battle with Izzy for almost 3 days in a similar situation but eventually Steph won. One could argue that to an extent no food in him is better then junk food. If you decide to implement this, ask others to be on board with you decision (Gummies, Emmy's, etc.).
This is a lot of information and possibly offensive to you but it is my thoughts and suggestions that I give only out of love for Ethan. I believe the solutions are simple but that implementation is not easy. Good luck!
I heard a psychologist on the radio talking about discipline. He said that 90% of his adult clients are adults who didn't learn the ideas you are trying to teach. He said our goal is to have our children "fall from a low height rather than a high height". The older Ethan gets, the higher the height of his "fall" when he learns the world does not revolve around him. Learning that at 13 may land him expelled from school, at 18 could land him in trouble with the law...etc. Interesting idea I thought. And one happiness hour on the Prager show talked about the idea of raising "happy adults" not happy children. Obviously, we want our children to be happy, but it is secondary to socializing them for the world. Keep working hard. We love your little stinker so much!
Wow such great info guys. I have read/heard many things, but this is some of the greatest summaries of all of these. It is a good reminder to me on a few great points.
Thanks for sharing guys!
Emily, great points, I think you should write a book! :) I would buy it, read it, and promote it!
I hear Super Nanny is looking for families! : ) Hee hee!
Cute blog, Rach! Your family is adorable! Even if one of them IS a monster!!!
Rachel - thank you for your humility and for asking those who love you for advice. I firmly believe not enough people do this today thus we internalize all of our struggles. While Vera and I are a few months away from experiencing many of the blessings and tortures of parenthood we were so thankful for all of the advice given and for you providing a forum for it. We LOVE Ethan too! Without him who would I chuck pillows at to knock him on his booty!? While we do not have a lot to offer in the advice region we would like to offer one thing that has withstood the test of time - prayer and a couple pairs of listening ears. We love you and your family and are here for you all. Please let us know how we can pray specifically and intentionally with/for you guys. We love you both and truly believe that a heart like Ethan's can only becoming filled with good moving forward! His wild times do not come from his heart - but rather his head... hope Florida is/was great!
Post a Comment