job description of a mom

I heard this at MOPS this past week and thought it was fitting! :)

Position: Mom, Mommy, Ma

Duration of Position: The rest of your life!

Job Description: Long term players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

Responsibilities: Must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf (this time). Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute and an embarrassment the next. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap plastic toys and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but always be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout facility.

Possibility for Advancement & Promotion: None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills so that those in your charge will ultimately surpass you.

Previous Experience: None required. On the job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

Wages & Compensation: You pay them and offer them raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 with the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

Benefits: No health or dental insurance, pension, tuition reimbursement, paid holidays or stock options are offered. However, this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, free hugs and kisses for life. It is one of the most rewarding things you will ever do and is an investment in eternity!

it's not me, it's you

Do you get frustrated by the crappy drivers out there? Some days I can ignore it pretty well but other days make me seethe. But of course, I am never a crappy driver--right? ;)

I'm pretty sure that isn't true but I do try to follow the rules most of the time (except that irritating speed limit one). Today I nearly got broadsided by a guy who decided it was his turn to go (it wasn't). I put my hand up as he drove past to say "Dude, seriously?" (no, my middle finger was NOT extended). The silverhaired gentleman did the same to me as he roared past. Which then of course makes me wonder why he seemed to think he had the right of way. Maybe he knew he didn't and figured he could intimidate me into not going. It worked.

Everyday I make a vow to myself as I head out in my car--I vow to just ignore the stupid people around me and not take it personally. It has yet to actually work but it is a good start, right?

sweat condition nine

Louwsma dictionary entries of the day!

1. sweat condition nine: to panic; feel pressure

Jimbo (a.k.a. Chicken Little) was in sweat condition nine when he realized he only had seven days to drive to the Grand Canyon! Lucky for him, it only takes two days. :)

2. If you're not in shape, you might as well just die: a statement regarding the importance of maintaining physical fitness

"Boneheads, I tell you what, if you can't do whatever you want to do anytime you want to do it, you might as well just die", Jimbo exclaimed.

3. Most Scenic Highway in America: description of any highway in America that may or may not be scenic

On many childhood road trips, Jimbo would holler to us kids to sit up and look around at The Most Scenic Highway in America we were currently driving on. I just wanted to get back to my Walkman. :)

bite me?

Is it possible to become immune to the itchy bite of the mosquito? I used to get chewed alive every summer and itch like crazy. However, I've noticed in the last few years that although they land on me and bite me, I never actually get any itchy bites. What's up with that? Alas, my poor children are not so lucky. I had to reassure people a few weeks ago that Olivia was just bit up, not suffering from chicken pox!

phrase of the day: even a blind squirrel finds a nut

A few years ago, Emily and JT created a Louwsma Dictionary to capture all the words and phrases our family uses. I still laugh as I read it, not just for the content but at the descriptions used. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do!

Even a blind squirrel finds a nut: lucky; to discount one's achievement and to attribute it to good fortune.

a surefire way to kill your appetite

For a special treat today, I took the kids to Applebee's for lunch. It was mostly because I had coupons for two free kids meals and being waited on sounded like fun to me.

It didn't go as well as I had hoped. First, the table we were at had a big poster of The Wizard of Oz over it--I love that movie but Pibs was not a fan of the poster. She just kept staring at it and shrinking away. The Wicked Witch of the West is not her cup of tea.

Then, right as the server was setting our food down, we heard a huge crash! Turns out an elderly woman had driven into the side of the building. She was trying to park and my guess is she stepped on the gas instead of the brake. She cleared one of those cement bumpers, the curb, plowed down a sign and damaged the outside of the building. All without any visible damage to her car.

The driver had her seat belt on and if she had been alone, it would have just been a very embarrassing situation. Unfortunately, the passenger did not have her seat belt on and went nearly all the way through the windshield. The hostess flipped out (understandably) and called 911. The manager started running around with towels and whatnot and a few diners ran outside to help. The police and ambulance showed up quickly and got the passenger out of the car and to the hospital. The tow truck came and dragged the car out of its resting place. Aside from the damage to the building, you wouldn't know it happened.

But unfortunately, I looked at it as we were walking out. The windshield was bloody and there was a perfect circle popped out of it, exactly the size of a head. Yikes. If that is what can happen in a low speed accident, imagine if the car had been driving down the highway! I cannot fathom why people would not wear their seat belt.

Needless to say, I brought two kids meals home with me. The kids didn't even take a bite of their food--they were way too distracted by all the commotion to eat. I hope that passenger is okay.

to ink or not to ink?

I have tossed the idea of getting a small tattoo around for quite some time. A few years ago, I was almost ready to pull the trigger but didn't. Now I am thinking of it again. Do you have a tattoo? Are you happy about it or regretful?

I'm thinking of getting something very small on the top of my foot, right by where flipflop straps would be. Maybe my kids names, birthdays or maybe a Jesus fish. I don't want to just get something for the sake of getting something--I want it to mean something, you know?

Tell me your tattoo stories!

P.S. I almost got my nose pierced a few years ago and still wish I had gone through with it. Maybe when I turn 35! :)