my sweet little man

I was recently reading some of my blog posts from last year around this time. Most of them were about Ethan and how I felt he was out of control and didn't know what to do.

I think it is time for me to say a few things about him now, one year later. The rough stuff from last year was clearly just a phase, a part of the growing up process. He is such a wonderful kid! I'm sure we had to go through the really difficult times in order to get here, so I guess it was worth it.

Ethan is completely obsessed with sea creatures. I have learned so much more than I ever thought necessary! :) I am amazed at how bright and curious he is. I am certainly not that way, nor was I that way as a child so I'm assuming that comes from Jay. He asks great questions and really hungers for information. It can be challenging to keep up with him since he asks questions literally from the moment he wakes up until he goes to bed. "Mom, what does "species" mean?". "Dad, how big is a manta ray?". Even though I get tired of it, I can still appreciate his need to ask. We do our best to answer what we can. We DVR everything we see about the sea and have recently begun checking books out of the library. These books come from the big kids section and although he can't read, he devours the pictures.

His memory is uncanny. And his vocabulary is amazingly large. This from a kid who talked later than normal and caused me angst. I clearly didn't have anything to worry about!

He is sweet and careful with Olivia (most of the time). He helps her get up when she falls, finds her sippy cup for her and helps her out when she gets stuck behind furniture (yes, this does happen). He is an extra set of eyes for me and I appreciate that.

He gets up early in the morning but is happy to just watch PBS Kids and let the rest of the family sleep. He sometimes cleans up his room without being asked. He tries hard to please us and to be helpful. We don't have those same discipline concerns we had last year.

I hope this doesn't come across as bragging about my boy--I don't think I'm that kind of mom. I just want to shine the spotlight on Ethan for once--he doesn't get much positive attention on this blog.

Ethan, you are the best kind of boy I could have! I hope you remain a curious boy ready to explore your world and continue to just be you. Love you buddy!

our worst nightmare has come true.

Olivia, my sweet girl, has been taking her diaper off lately. Only in her crib. On Friday night, I checked on her only to find her diaper discarded on the floor and Olivia curled up in a huge puddle of urine.

Here comes the bad part. Today, we heard Olivia crying after her nap so Jay went up to get her. Then he calls down and says "Remember what we said our worst nightmare was?"--yuck. I knew immediately what he meant and hoofed it upstairs. Yep, it was NASTY. Diaper (completely dry, mind you) lying on the floor and poop EVERYWHERE. Seriously. Olivia was dirty head to toe and all her bedding and her crib sides were covered. I only hope it didn't get in her mouth!

Jay tossed her in the shower to first rinse off the poo and then put her in the tub to soak the rest off. I dealt with the laundry (just switched it to the dryer and amazingly, it is all clean!). She was pretty upset during the clean up but seems to have forgotten about it.

We decided we have to put her in full zip pj's at naptime and bedtime. Anything else and the diaper comes right off. Now I need to go to Target and see if I can find full pj's that are big enough!

Pibs is not only crazy, she is also gross. Ew.

jimmy legs

I gots me the jimmy legs. For the past two nights I've barely slept due to this problem. My legs feel like they are humming, almost vibrating. It is such a uncomfortable sensation. Not painful but it does keep me from sleeping. I don't think it is Restless Leg Syndrome because I don't feel an uncontrollable urge to move them, although I do move them a lot. I toss and turn, go hang out downstairs for a while, try going back to bed, go back downstairs, etc. It is a long night.

Anyone have any advice for me? I'm going to try stretching for a while before sleep tonight and see if it happens then. It only happens once I am in bed going to sleep. Although today they feel a little weird but I just worked out.

Annoying!

bridging the gap

I went to a women's conference with some friends this weekend. I wasn't going to go because conference = snoozefest in my mind but in the end I decided to go. We stayed at a hotel overnight and just had a great time all around. The conference was called Bridging the Gap and featured some excellent speakers. The first one was Priscilla Shirer. Her message felt like it was being spoken directly to me.

As you know, I have struggled mightily with my weight these past two years. It has consumed me, become an all out obsession. Lately it has become especially bad. I have been very diligent the past 30 days with diet and exercise and have not lost a pound. Every day when I wake up I start thinking about how gross I look and that continues throughout my days and nights. I find myself nearly having panic attacks about it at times. I will start thinking about how I look and what I used to look like and I can feel my heart start palpitating and my throat closing up.

On Thursday night I was reduced to tears after finding out that despite all my hard work this past month, I gained 1% body fat. I was so discouraged and felt like if this is what happens when I try hard, I may as well just give up. Jay was doing his best to be empathetic but it wasn't really helping. He kept asking questions and I just threw up my hands and said that I had googled EVERYTHING and couldn't find the answers.

So then I'm sitting there listening to Priscilla Shirer and she is talking about being in our dry, dusty wilderness and what we are missing when we are always looking to the next thing. Suddenly things start to become clear in my head. All this obsessing has gotten me nowhere. I spend nearly all my time focused on myself and this problem. It is getting in the way of me being a good mom to the kids and it dictates my moods and affects them. Instead of just realizing that this is where I am, I only think of how great things would be if I could just lose the weight. I'm not able to enjoy life in the present and that bothers me. I don't ever think of the good things about myself--I only beat myself up for being fat and being a failure. I didn't realize how damaging this negative outlook was on my emotional health.

I also realized that for all my googling and seeking, I had never once asked Jesus for a hand. I have never thought to pray about this issue. I realized that that is one answer you can't find on google.

What does all this mean? It means that I am going to stop beating myself for being overweight. I am not letting it define who I am as a woman, wife and mother. It does not make me unworthy to be overweight nor does it make me worthy to be at my desired weight. I have been praying about this a ton and have been reading a book that helps me keep things in perspective. It is so hard--everytime I pass a mirror I feel myself starting the cycle again.

This doesn't mean I'm giving up on weight loss but I am going to stop depending on myself to make it happen. Maybe God is trying to teach me something through all this. I just know that it feels so liberating to just be me now. Yesterday I made it through the whole day without telling myself how gross I look or what a loser I am for still being so fat. I felt amazing!

Priscilla had good advice: take your eyes off what you can see and focus on what you can't see.

R.I.P. Gill

Gill went to that big fishbowl in the sky today. Ethan was upset for a few minutes but quickly forgot about Gill once Jay told him he needed help making waffles. Not sure what kind of questions tomorrow will bring. Hopefully we will be fish-free for a while!

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Has anyone noticed all the product placements that are showing up on TV and in movies? Seriously! That's what we get for fast forwarding commercials on our DVRs and Tivos.

I was watching Jeopardy and they just did a major plug for The Tudors on Showtime. That was a new one for me. The Biggest Loser is the WORST of the bunch. They always have these awkward "candid" discussions about the benefits of Cheerios or gum. Do the marketing people think we actually fall for this stuff?