I went to a women's conference with some friends this weekend. I wasn't going to go because conference = snoozefest in my mind but in the end I decided to go. We stayed at a hotel overnight and just had a great time all around. The conference was called Bridging the Gap and featured some excellent speakers. The first one was Priscilla Shirer. Her message felt like it was being spoken directly to me.
As you know, I have struggled mightily with my weight these past two years. It has consumed me, become an all out obsession. Lately it has become especially bad. I have been very diligent the past 30 days with diet and exercise and have not lost a pound. Every day when I wake up I start thinking about how gross I look and that continues throughout my days and nights. I find myself nearly having panic attacks about it at times. I will start thinking about how I look and what I used to look like and I can feel my heart start palpitating and my throat closing up.
On Thursday night I was reduced to tears after finding out that despite all my hard work this past month, I gained 1% body fat. I was so discouraged and felt like if this is what happens when I try hard, I may as well just give up. Jay was doing his best to be empathetic but it wasn't really helping. He kept asking questions and I just threw up my hands and said that I had googled EVERYTHING and couldn't find the answers.
So then I'm sitting there listening to Priscilla Shirer and she is talking about being in our dry, dusty wilderness and what we are missing when we are always looking to the next thing. Suddenly things start to become clear in my head. All this obsessing has gotten me nowhere. I spend nearly all my time focused on myself and this problem. It is getting in the way of me being a good mom to the kids and it dictates my moods and affects them. Instead of just realizing that this is where I am, I only think of how great things would be if I could just lose the weight. I'm not able to enjoy life in the present and that bothers me. I don't ever think of the good things about myself--I only beat myself up for being fat and being a failure. I didn't realize how damaging this negative outlook was on my emotional health.
I also realized that for all my googling and seeking, I had never once asked Jesus for a hand. I have never thought to pray about this issue. I realized that that is one answer you can't find on google.
What does all this mean? It means that I am going to stop beating myself for being overweight. I am not letting it define who I am as a woman, wife and mother. It does not make me unworthy to be overweight nor does it make me worthy to be at my desired weight. I have been praying about this a ton and have been reading a book that helps me keep things in perspective. It is so hard--everytime I pass a mirror I feel myself starting the cycle again.
This doesn't mean I'm giving up on weight loss but I am going to stop depending on myself to make it happen. Maybe God is trying to teach me something through all this. I just know that it feels so liberating to just be me now. Yesterday I made it through the whole day without telling myself how gross I look or what a loser I am for still being so fat. I felt amazing!
Priscilla had good advice: take your eyes off what you can see and focus on what you can't see.
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3 comments:
Rachel- sorry to hear you have been feeling so bad about that topic. Good for you for taking control of your negative feelings. I am a little surprised, as you always come across as such a positive person. I too know how you feel, whether it is work, weight, parenting, whatever, it is hard to stop the pervasive negative speak. I can guarantee everyone else sees you the nice, friendly, good mama that you are!
This is a good post. This conference would be a good example of a new thing I would do.
Good for you, Rachel! I was in your position once when I suddenly found myself almost 30 pounds overweight-- yikes! I felt like I was eating right and exercising but nothing happened for more than a year. Then I started praying about it, and it started to give me more confidence to push myself harder when I was working out, be more honest with myself about what I was eating, and in general believe that I could lose the weight! And finally I did!! And despite having just had a baby so I need to start the weight loss thing all over again- I kept it off ever since. Its easy to equate weight with self esteem, but you are totally right for keeping them separate. You are a hot MILF, so you keep workin' it girl!
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