new blog!

Since we are no longer a Party of Four, I have a new blog address for you to use:

http://olsonpartyofthree.blogspot.com/

Add us to your feed and join us!

rapunzel?

New poll up!

Pibs wants to grow out her hair. I want it to stay short. Weigh in on the poll and tell me what you think!

I think it is so adorable short and I know how "resistant" she is to allowing me to care for it. The reason we chopped it last time is because it was always in her face and she wouldn't let me fix it.

But I understand that my little lady has strong opinions about her appearance and I want to be sure I am not stifling her.

So what do you think?

Jump Rope for Heart!

Ethan will be participating in the Jump Rope for Heart event at his school on Friday. He is trying to raise $100. I got this confused with the Read-a-thon and thought we had until the end of the month--oops! If you are able to donate a few dollars his way, he would love it!

Here is the link to his page--makes it easy to give!
http://honor.americanheart.org/site/TR/JumpforHeart/MWA-MidwestAffiliate?px=3179710&pg=personal&fr_id=1684

faith story

Back when we were going through the turmoil of this fall, I started feeling called to give my Faith Story at church. A Faith Story is the story of how our life and God's plan intersect.

I thought my story would be about faith and transformation. I thought Jay's transformation would be the highlight of the story. I thought the power of God to heal would take main stage.

And it turns out, I was right--sort of. It will be a story about transformation and healing. Except it will be about me. I had the main character wrong, not the story.

God is shaping and transforming me through this incredibly painful and awful experience. I am seeing His Hands shaping all that has been happening to me, even the painful stuff. I am being refined in the fire and I will come out so much stronger than I went in. I will be healed one day. I will be able to understand why this had to happen.

That will be a beautiful story.

just ask!

If you want to read the new blog, please just ask! People seem to think I am trying to limit my readers--that is so not the case. I am more than happy to share with whoever wants to follow this path with me. I just needed to get Jay off my back--that is the main reason I made it private.

Just be warned---the new blog is even more honest!

sharing privately

I started a different blog last time we separated that I will use for all divorce related information. This blog will simply be a place to post about my kids.

The other blog is private and not searchable. If you would like an invitation to read it, please send me an email. This is the best solution--nothing is public, nothing is searchable for future employers and you only get to read it if you really want to.

I still need to write. I like to write, it is theraputic for me. I like to be able to read back through to see how I've grown and how God has been working on my life.

Cleaning up

I am going to take down all these posts for a while. Jay and I talked; he had some valid points about me sharing our business with the world. I never meant to hurt him or his family--I was trying to work through my feelings in a way that felt normal to me after blogging for over three years. I'm very open with people and feel that trials are meant to be shared because there is usually someone out there that is either experiencing the same thing or has advice to give.

But I have caused pain for Jay and his family and that makes me feel terrible. So my paper journal will need to capture all my thoughts about this situation for now.

so true

Remember this

This is not how it should be
This is not how it could be,
But this is how it is –
And our God is in control.

This is not how it will be,
When we finally will see -
We’ll see with our own eyes,
He was always in control.

This is not where we planned to be,
When we started this journey –
But this is where we are,
And our God is in control.

Steven Curtis Chapman

just realized

So a lot of people have been asking me how things are going. And I've realized that most of the time, they ask with hesitation--like they are almost afraid to ask. Why is that?

I haven't been super vocal about how things are going--certaintly not as vocal as I was when thing were going terribly! I've been thinking about that a lot lately--why am I keeping it to myself?

I've come up with a few reasons. First, I am so freaking happy that it seems like bragging to talk about it. Seriously! Second, I'm afraid that if I really talk about how happy I am, people will assume I am delusional. Third, if I talk about how great things are, it only makes it painfully and embarrassingly obvious how bad things once were. I look back on the majority of my marriage and see how bad it was and it makes me cringe. How did either of us survive in this marriage for 11 years?

I was delusional for a long time, completely in denial. I thought things were good enough. I was willing to settle and I did for a long time. Then that place became less and less comfortable and doable. I think I intuitively knew that if I pushed him too hard, he would leave me. So I hung back until it wasn't possible anymore. And he left.

I feel like Jay and I have been to hell and back in the past four months or so. We had a choice--fight for our marriage or cut our losses. Thankfully we both eventually got to the fighting for it place. And I believe we came out of it different people. Jay is truly a different person--if you want to ask him about all this please do! He loves to talk about it. I also feel like I have changed. I have become more comfortable with conflict. It used to eat me up inside and I would do anything to make things better, not just with Jay but with everyone in my life. Now I feel like God truly is guiding my path (not that He wasn't before, I just didn't care). If there is conflict, I feel much more comfortable with just hanging back and letting things work themselves out instead of forcing it to happen and maybe settling for an outcome that isn't right. It is a huge shift for me and is taking some getting used to.

I feel like I have a partner for the first time ever. I can't even describe what a huge deal this is. I'm still trying to get used to being able to ask him to help out with a chore and have him cheerfully tackle it. I used to expect nothing from him just to keep our home free of conflict (yep, that worked really well). There have been times where we have uncomfortable conversations and instead of a cold wall, he is a warm and caring person that tries to understand me rather than ignore me. It is still kind of freaking me out! But I love it. And I love that it all feels so real. I've seen him white knuckle our relationship many times and this is nothing like that. It is hard to describe but I am confident in our relationship and the bond we are rebuilding--or maybe building, since it is brand new to us.

our beautiful disaster

The time has finally come for me to write about our beautiful disaster. I've been waiting until I felt ready and now I do.

We now refer to our crisis as a beautiful disaster. A disaster to be sure, but beautiful in the sense that we now have a stronger, more honest, more real marriage than we ever could've had without it.

Our countdown to disaster probably began the moment we met, as crazy as that sounds. I thought Jay was the perfect boyfriend. But that was not because he was being himself--he was being the person he thought I wanted him to be. I didn't realize this, of course. What has come to light is that Jay doesn't have a strong self identity. He has always adapted himself to be who he thought people wanted him to be. And this worked for him for a while and then it just became too much work.

Jay's drinking started out innocent and normal, like how the rest of us drink. Then it turned into getting drunk on Saturday nights while he played video games. I thought he deserved to unwind after a hard week of work so I never gave it a second thought. About six years ago, it had become a near nightly thing. Still, it didn't really bother me because I felt like things were good enough between us.

When he decided to lose weight, he completely stopped drinking. I took that to mean that he was not an alcoholic so things were okay. Once he lost his weight, he started drinking again. This time it became a seven day a week habit. But he always stopped at two drinks. Just so we are clear, each drink was about 4 shots of vodka.

Then Olivia was born. I got really sick and lived in a fog for the next two years. I didn't really care that he was drinking because I was barely functional at that point. As long as he was drinking, he was happy and didn't care that I was a blob of inaction. There were times he felt like he needed to quit drinking and he was able to maintain sobriety for up to six months. But he always went back to drinking every night, no matter what kind of "deals" he made about (i.e. only drink with friends, only drink on the weekends, only have two drinks).

I didn't ever think he was an alcoholic though. And I didn't think our marriage was in trouble. I felt like this was as good as it would ever be so I better just learn how to deal with his coldness, his disinterest in me and the kids and his obsession with work.

My breaking point came in July of this year. It was a Saturday and we were sitting on the deck enjoying the sunshine. And I realized the drink in his hand was not just Mountain Dew. And I realized this was a problem. Our unspoken rule was that he would only drink at night--he had just broken that rule.

I got us in to see a counselor a few weeks later. We went weekly and for a while, I thought things were getting better. In retrospect, he was doing just what he needed to take the heat off so he could continue life the way he wanted.

Labor Day weekend was when things really picked up steam. We had a terrible counseling session that ended with him saying he wasn't sure he loved me and wasn't sure he wanted to be married. That was so painful to hear. I went to my sister's house after that session, not sure if he would be home when I got there or not. I sobbed in desperation on their deck. She and JT had also gone through the devastation of alcoholism and were able to provide me with good, solid counsel. Their words helped me get through the weekend.

On Sunday night of that weekend, we had my siblings over for dinner. Jay drank a bottle of wine and spent most of the night sleeping. I was furious that he was such a jerk and embarrassed by his behavior. That was the first night that he left.

He came back about 12 hours later telling me that he wanted to be with me. I ate it up! He traveled for the next two weeks for work. When he got home, we made it about a day before he left again. That time he was gone for two nights and again came home, telling me that he was going to change. Again, this lasted a day. At this point, he moved into my parents basement.

Now, before you judge this decision, please understand that I thought this was a great move. My mom is an amazing woman who was made to deal with stuff like this. She is sweet and nurturing but she has an iron backbone when it comes to dealing with these broken people. I am so thankful to my parents for opening up their home to a man that was making my life miserable.

We had our Grand Canyon trip planned and ended up going. It was awful. He basically ignored me the whole time and I pretty much cried anytime I was alone. The mood swings from him were so hard to deal with.

When we got home from that trip I discovered that he was lying to me about some things. I LOST IT. I called him and unleashed a string of profanity that would make a truck driver blush. I had to go out on my driveway so my kids wouldn't hear--somehow that is worse than the neighbors hearing!

At this point, I met with Sandy, my therapist. She saved me. And I'm not being dramatic. She took a broken woman, desperately trying to keep her life and marriage together at any cost and turned me into a woman, still wanting her life back but not on Jay's terms. She taught me about detachment (your reaction is not reacting) and helped me see that Jay really was an alcoholic. She gave me tools and the confidence to stand up for myself. Until this point, I felt that Jay was in control of how things turned out. Now, I was in control of me and my feelings. And I was able to frame up what life was going to look like for me. My bottom line was that Jay would get treatment for his alcoholism and no less than that would do. The desperation was overtaken by resolve. Now, I was still devastated--this didn't magically make me stop crying all the time.

I started practicing detachment towards Jay. At times I was successful, other times not as much. He told me later that he felt the shift and it made him sad, that I didn't care about him. Inside I was still dying but I was trying to keep it together on the outside. He wasn't the one seeing me cry anymore. My family saw most of that. They saw many meals ruined by my tears. One day my mom had to come over to help me wash my dishes--I just couldn't even figure out how to do the simplest tasks. At one point, I laid in bed for two days straight, only getting up to feed my kids. It was awful--I hate thinking about it.

Then came October 11. I had realized that day that Jay was still lying to me about some things. I was sick to my stomach. He had stopped by the house to pick up some things and I started asking him questions and crying (so much for detachment...). I wish I had a picture of what he looked like that night. He looked dead. His eyes were dead, his skin was sickly. As I stood there, heart breaking, watching this man I love die, something in him changed. I said something to him about him being an addict and that he will never be free until he gets treatment and suddenly he slumped over and told me to take him to treatment. I was stunned, so much so that I thought he was making fun of me by saying that. Once I realized he was serious, I ran into the house to call The Retreat, fully expecting him to be gone by the time I got back outside. But he stayed and spent an hour on the phone with The Retreat, crying and realizing that he needed help. I just sat there stunned. It felt surreal.

He stayed at the house that night and we sat on the couch talking for hours. He kept telling me he was sorry, that he loved me, that I was beautiful. I hadn't heard kind words like that from him in years!

The next few days were the best days we had in many years. We talked, we hung out, we just enjoyed being together.

On October 14 he entered The Retreat. Although he was scared to death of treatment, he never wavered on his decision. I honestly was surprised--I thought I would have to push him through the doors. The first few days were rough. He really wanted to leave, thought it was overkill, didn't think he was really an alcoholic. Once he settled in things got better. After about four days he was finally able to admit that he might be an alcoholic--this was a huge turning point for him.

His month in treatment, while challenging, was a great time for us. We got to talk a lot and I got to see him on Sundays. It was so fun for me to hear about his breakthroughs and his challenges. He wasn't able to fully admit to being an alcoholic until he was at The Retreat for 2.5 or 3 weeks! But when he did he told me how liberating it felt.

So what's up now? Jay has been home for about three weeks. He is still sober but more importantly, he is in active recovery. Yes, there is a difference. He has a sponsor and attends AA meetings with him. We will also start seeing a therapist together that specializes in addiction.

My prayer throughout this whole experience has been that Jay would be transformed. When I first began praying that, I knew it was a long shot prayer. I wouldn't allow myself to believe that God might answer that prayer. But then I began seeing the change in Jay and realizing that my prayer was being answered and I was able to watch it happen. So amazing. The Lord's hand has so clearly guided this experience that it is impossible to deny it. Nothing short of miraculous.

Our marriage is something that is 180 degrees different than it used to be. Some of it is little things--he kisses me goodbye in the morning while I'm still sleeping, he sits down and talks with me after work, he actively engages with the kids, he is more patient. Other things are big--he listens to me when I talk about how I feel and doesn't try to fix it or blow it off. He doesn't ignore me or treat me coldly anymore. He asks me how I am doing, how I am feeling. This is a major change from our "first marriage"!

I know there are things I am missing in here and more that I could add but I think it is long enough for now. I don't feel that keeping our struggles a secret is very helpful--the reason Jay and I felt like this should be posted it because some of you might be in a similar place or know someone who is. Maybe our story can help in some way.

I know this is ridiculously long--thanks for reading!

update!

I've had a lot of you inquiring about what is happening and I figured I should update you all here.

Jay is still at The Retreat. He is doing well. I won't say it is all sunshine and roses, because it is most definitely not. But the light is shining brighter in him and each day he moves forward a little more.

Physically, he just looks better. His skin has color and his eyes have light again. He has a spark of life in him that has been missing for many years. At times, he is angry about things and I see that as a good sign--he is finally FEELING. After many years of numbing himself with alcohol, those feelings can be both good and bad. And the compulsion towards addiction isn't ever going to leave him--but he is learning how to manage it.

We talk several times a day and I spend five hours with him each Sunday. We are communicating differently than we ever have before, even before things got really bad. I have great hope for our future. I don't want our marriage back--I want a new marriage that is honest. We were both playing the roles that we thought were right but we managed to screw it up. I'm just thankful we get a second chance!

Next week I will spend four days at a family retreat at The Retreat. I won't spend much time with Jay--this retreat is meant for the family only. I will learn so much about how we got here and how we move forward. After all, alcoholism is a family disease and this will be part of us as we move forward.

So that is where we are at! I am doing pretty good, although I don't know how single moms manage! I am beat by the time dinner is done. I'm taking as much work as Bethel will give me to try and pay for this treatment which takes away any "free" time I might have. But all of it--the stress, the exhaustion, the aloneness--is worth it if it means I get to have my family back together.

While we were separated, the kids would ask me if Dad was going to come home. Since I really didn't know (and was pretty sure at times that he wasn't) I instead told them that God has a plan for us and His plan is good. It may be different than our plan but His plan is always better than what we want. I truly believe that now, really for the first time in my life. I've never been tested and always assumed that what I wanted was best so of course God would want the same. But this time I had to accept that God's plan for me might include divorce and it was out of my hands. I can look at all that has happened and see God's hand in all of it. I can see how it all had to happen in order for my life to be set right again. I think that is what keeps me from feeling bitter and angry--we had to go through the darkness to reach the light.

My new favorite song: Thank You for Hearing Me by The David Crowder Band. I nearly fell over yesterday in church as we sang it--so simple yet so perfect.

The Retreat

Many things have transpired over the last five days, culminating in my husband checking himself into The Retreat for addiction treatment and recovery. I am so proud of him for taking this step that I can't really find the words to explain it.

This is by far the hardest, most uncomfortable thing he has ever done. It isn't easy and from the brief talks I have had with since yesterday, he desperately wants to check himself out. I hope he can stick with it because treatment became one of my non-negotiables in moving forward.

I will write more about this later; in the meantime, here is his address until November 12. Please drop him a note of support or encouragement if you feel led to. Thank you for all the support you have given me during this time-- now we have the chance to support Jay.

Jay Olson

C/o The Retreat

1221 Wayzata Boulevard East

Wayzata, MN 55391

beautiful disaster

Proverbs 16:9

We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps.

honesty

I've been debating about whether or not to do this post. I think I'm making the right choice.

Jay and I are separated at the moment. Things have been rough for the last month and he and I agreed that perhaps some time apart would be best. He is in my parent's basement. Our problems have been brewing for many years and some recent events brought us to our tipping point. I want my marriage to be restored, and I believe Jay does too but neither of us want things back the way they were. So that means much hard work and dealing with uncomfortable things that we put off taking care of.

So I've been unsure whether or not to post about this. I don't want any ill will towards Jay from anyone and I don't want to have to answer questions because at this point, I have no answers.

But the reason I felt I should post something is this: my faith is being tested like never before and I am finding great comfort in the knowledge that God has a plan for my life. It may not be MY plan but His plan is always better. This is the first time in my life that I have been in the midst of a crisis that I have no control over. It is terrifying and I am so thankful to have God to rest in.

My dear friend, Christine Gumbe (who recently lost her husband, Sammy), has been a huge source of revelation to me. I was facebooking with her the other night around 1 AM while she was just starting her day. I had filled her in on the details before and was giving her an update. I fell asleep and when I awoke, I found this verse sitting in my inbox from her. I'm sharing it because I keep rereading it and getting something different each time. Part of my problem is that I've put so much energy into helping Jay and making him happy that I forgot about myself. I think that is a common problem among women! I was hit with anger and rage this past week and it was a really ugly place to be and I couldn't see my way out. Then I read this:

Romans 8:28... Trust Me in all things, and don't worry. Even when things are undone and seem chaotic, I am with you. I will lead you in the path of righteousness and establish you on the road to destiny. When the world around you is inconsistent and unreliable, I am your place of stability. I will not leave you or forsake you. I will remain faithful and perform My Word, says the Lord.

This calmed my spirit. It was exactly what I needed, at exactly the right moment. I hope that it can do the same for you. Maybe not now but someday.

a whirlwind...

That is how the last week feels. New schedules to stick to--getting these kids to bed at a decent time is a lot of work! The afternoons and evenings go by so quickly and I find that I'm cramming in homework, baths, snacks, and prayers in a desperate push to have lights out by 8 PM. And for once, it isn't for my sanity! When the alarm goes off in Ethan's room at 7:30 he can barely function. This morning I found him sitting in his closet (buck naked) staring down at a Lego creation. He couldn't really find the words to explain to me what was happening so I just told him to giddy up. Rush rush! I don't like my kids feeling so rushed in the morning. I know we could get up earlier but then he would be even more exhausted! And going to bed at 8 still seems so early for them. They have a lot of friends in the neighborhood so there are always kids running around and it seems cruel to drag them inside when the weather is so delightfully fall-like.

Pibs had her first day of her second year of preschool today. I thought it would be big drama so I strategically decided to drop her off in the carpool lane instead of walking her in. Good move. She hopped out of the car and ran right inside, shedding nary a tear. Very good! Much improved.

I am working like a crazy person for the next few weeks. My work at Bethel becomes frenzied this time of year--I have 13 people to have individual consultations with and they were supposed to be done by today (they won't be). And I got the information 8 days ago. And I had to do all the scheduling myself. See where I am going with this? Not that I'm complaining--I'm happy to have the work!

On Monday I head back to my high school to do a Strengths presentation to two classes of "highly motivated business students". Hmmm, we'll see. Should be fun! Honestly, I'm more worried about finding my way into the building than the actual talking. The classes are both 86 minutes long with 53 and 36 kids--here's hoping they will participate! Goes so much better when people participate.

I also have three speaking engagements with MOPS this year. This one makes me a little more nervous simply because I don't have anything written already that I can use. I need to talk about using our strengths to enrich our marriage. Most of the work I do these days is focused on a team within a business. Luckily it isn't until March so I've got some time to think about it.

I do have a lot more time to work on stuff now though. Amazing what having a first grader can do! And my house stays a lot cleaner which is a bonus.

The Mad Men Challenge is plugging along...this week has caused some concern. My plan was to hit the gym while Pibs is at preschool but I have to work each of those days this week and next week. So that is really messing up my plan. But I MUST finish this, mainly because my friend Jill (and her hubs Bill) is coming to the Grand Canyon with us this year and she has finished watching all the episodes. We need to be able to talk about it, especially when we don't have In-n-Out in our mouths. Oh yes, that is so happening....yum. I shall leave you with this:

My first grader!

Ethan had a great day! He hopped off the bus with a huge grin and lots of energy. I baked him homemade cookies (his request) which he gobbled down and then ran off to play with his buddy Zane. I haven't heard much about his day except that somehow his lunchbox was left behind in the classroom at lunch and he ended up in the lunch line. I was concerned that my child (who, as you may recall, was in food therapy for a year) went hungry but no! He had a chicken sandwich and some chips. He would NEVER eat that here. Perhaps my hopes and dreams of peer pressure will come true!

I did get a call from his teacher and I thought, this can't be a good sign for the year! But she was only calling to verify which bus he was supposed to be on. The bus company gave her the wrong information and he was apparently very insistent that she was wrong. Good for him!

Hopefully when things settle down later he will tell me a little bit more. But I am just so thrilled that he loves school!

It was a quiet day here with just Pibs and I. She is definitely a quieter kid, more so than I realized. I always feel like there is so much noise here but now I realize it was more Ethan than her.

All in all, a very good day. I feel at peace.

MMC update

I'm 11 episodes in now. 41 to go in 44 days. This is going to be trickier than I had first thought!

Mad Men started out a little slow, I had a hard time getting into it. But now that I am coming up on the end of Season 1, I'm hooked. I still can't get over how much boozing and smoking goes on--did they just feel like garbage every day?

Even though it is a drama, there are definitely some funny moments. Like when Sally was running around with a plastic dry cleaning bag on her head--her mom warned her that the dry cleaning better not be in a pile on the floor but said nothing about the bag on her head.

And when Joan showed Peggy her desk? "Don't be overwhelmed by all this technology"--I think there was a phone and a typewriter. Ha!

Tribute to Sammy Gumbe written by my dad

We lost the “Lion of Mozambique” yesterday. My heart is heavy with the loss. Sammy Gumbe was a good friend of mine. I spent 3 weeks with him in a van as we criss-crossed southern Africa last year. Sammy was terrific to travel with, so much energy, so much passion, such an incredible ability to communicate with anyone, and a great sense of humor.

I would see him up every morning around 4AM, reading his Bible, studying about the God he loved so much. Then he would go deep in prayer for his flock, his ministry, his dear wife and boys, for the country of Mozambique. Sammy was a Godly man, he was a man’s man, he was a friend, he was a strong leader and he greatly inspired me by his example.

Sammy was a man of God. He was a beloved Pastor to his Maputo church, and a beloved leader among Mozambican pastors for his work mentoring and teaching them. He had a great vision for the Sofala Bible Institute. Who can quantify the impact that his ministry has had on the Church in Mozambique?

Sammy loved his family almost as much as he loved God. He was a faithful and loving husband to the jewel of his life, Christine. He loved his boys equally as much. He was passionate about his family and talked about them with much love and pride. He was devoted to them in every respect.

Sammy was beloved here in the U.S. So many of us in Minnesota came to love this man. We loved it when he came in the winter so we could take him ice fishing or teach him to make angels in the snow. I am not so sure how much Sammy liked it, but he was always a good sport. He was able to connect with us just like he was able to connect in Africa. It was easy to see the Grace of God in his life.

He lived life with great passion, fun and focus. Sammy loved Jesus and wanted to live like Him. He loved people and he wanted them to know the transforming power of his King. He poured himself into everything he did with energy and passion. He was fun to be around.

It is very hard for me to understand why God would take someone like Sammy so early in life. One of my favorite hymns says,” I am not skilled to understand, What God hath willed, what God hath planned; I only know at His right hand, stands One who is my Savior.” We walk by faith and not by sight. So often, that seems cliché, but now it is the all I can do.
Goodbye Sammy. I know you are probably leading a Vision Conference in heaven. I love you.

Jim Louwsma

Sammy Gumbe

Sammy Gumbe died last night. He is a friend from Mozambique. He ran a church called Restoration Mission that was doing great things for both God and Africa. He leaves behind an amazing wife in Christine and three small boys.

I had the pleasure of meeting Christine and Sammy a while back when they came to the States. Sammy was the kind of man who filled up a room and had great passion and energy for the work they were doing. Christine and I really connected and talked deeply for a few hours that evening. She even showed me how to tie a headscarf like an African!

Christine is a woman of unshakable faith, even in the midst of Sammy's health crisis (he had lymphoma). She is truly inspiring and amazing--when I read her Facebook posts I get chills.

Now she is a single mother of three small but growing boys. Please keep their family in your prayers. Sammy is cancer free in heaven but Christine has to deal with trying to keep moving forward now. Please pray for strength and healing for all of them.

My heart is broken for the Gumbe family. It's hard to understand why God would take such an amazing servant out of this world.