update!

I've had a lot of you inquiring about what is happening and I figured I should update you all here.

Jay is still at The Retreat. He is doing well. I won't say it is all sunshine and roses, because it is most definitely not. But the light is shining brighter in him and each day he moves forward a little more.

Physically, he just looks better. His skin has color and his eyes have light again. He has a spark of life in him that has been missing for many years. At times, he is angry about things and I see that as a good sign--he is finally FEELING. After many years of numbing himself with alcohol, those feelings can be both good and bad. And the compulsion towards addiction isn't ever going to leave him--but he is learning how to manage it.

We talk several times a day and I spend five hours with him each Sunday. We are communicating differently than we ever have before, even before things got really bad. I have great hope for our future. I don't want our marriage back--I want a new marriage that is honest. We were both playing the roles that we thought were right but we managed to screw it up. I'm just thankful we get a second chance!

Next week I will spend four days at a family retreat at The Retreat. I won't spend much time with Jay--this retreat is meant for the family only. I will learn so much about how we got here and how we move forward. After all, alcoholism is a family disease and this will be part of us as we move forward.

So that is where we are at! I am doing pretty good, although I don't know how single moms manage! I am beat by the time dinner is done. I'm taking as much work as Bethel will give me to try and pay for this treatment which takes away any "free" time I might have. But all of it--the stress, the exhaustion, the aloneness--is worth it if it means I get to have my family back together.

While we were separated, the kids would ask me if Dad was going to come home. Since I really didn't know (and was pretty sure at times that he wasn't) I instead told them that God has a plan for us and His plan is good. It may be different than our plan but His plan is always better than what we want. I truly believe that now, really for the first time in my life. I've never been tested and always assumed that what I wanted was best so of course God would want the same. But this time I had to accept that God's plan for me might include divorce and it was out of my hands. I can look at all that has happened and see God's hand in all of it. I can see how it all had to happen in order for my life to be set right again. I think that is what keeps me from feeling bitter and angry--we had to go through the darkness to reach the light.

My new favorite song: Thank You for Hearing Me by The David Crowder Band. I nearly fell over yesterday in church as we sang it--so simple yet so perfect.

The Retreat

Many things have transpired over the last five days, culminating in my husband checking himself into The Retreat for addiction treatment and recovery. I am so proud of him for taking this step that I can't really find the words to explain it.

This is by far the hardest, most uncomfortable thing he has ever done. It isn't easy and from the brief talks I have had with since yesterday, he desperately wants to check himself out. I hope he can stick with it because treatment became one of my non-negotiables in moving forward.

I will write more about this later; in the meantime, here is his address until November 12. Please drop him a note of support or encouragement if you feel led to. Thank you for all the support you have given me during this time-- now we have the chance to support Jay.

Jay Olson

C/o The Retreat

1221 Wayzata Boulevard East

Wayzata, MN 55391

beautiful disaster

Proverbs 16:9

We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps.

honesty

I've been debating about whether or not to do this post. I think I'm making the right choice.

Jay and I are separated at the moment. Things have been rough for the last month and he and I agreed that perhaps some time apart would be best. He is in my parent's basement. Our problems have been brewing for many years and some recent events brought us to our tipping point. I want my marriage to be restored, and I believe Jay does too but neither of us want things back the way they were. So that means much hard work and dealing with uncomfortable things that we put off taking care of.

So I've been unsure whether or not to post about this. I don't want any ill will towards Jay from anyone and I don't want to have to answer questions because at this point, I have no answers.

But the reason I felt I should post something is this: my faith is being tested like never before and I am finding great comfort in the knowledge that God has a plan for my life. It may not be MY plan but His plan is always better. This is the first time in my life that I have been in the midst of a crisis that I have no control over. It is terrifying and I am so thankful to have God to rest in.

My dear friend, Christine Gumbe (who recently lost her husband, Sammy), has been a huge source of revelation to me. I was facebooking with her the other night around 1 AM while she was just starting her day. I had filled her in on the details before and was giving her an update. I fell asleep and when I awoke, I found this verse sitting in my inbox from her. I'm sharing it because I keep rereading it and getting something different each time. Part of my problem is that I've put so much energy into helping Jay and making him happy that I forgot about myself. I think that is a common problem among women! I was hit with anger and rage this past week and it was a really ugly place to be and I couldn't see my way out. Then I read this:

Romans 8:28... Trust Me in all things, and don't worry. Even when things are undone and seem chaotic, I am with you. I will lead you in the path of righteousness and establish you on the road to destiny. When the world around you is inconsistent and unreliable, I am your place of stability. I will not leave you or forsake you. I will remain faithful and perform My Word, says the Lord.

This calmed my spirit. It was exactly what I needed, at exactly the right moment. I hope that it can do the same for you. Maybe not now but someday.

a whirlwind...

That is how the last week feels. New schedules to stick to--getting these kids to bed at a decent time is a lot of work! The afternoons and evenings go by so quickly and I find that I'm cramming in homework, baths, snacks, and prayers in a desperate push to have lights out by 8 PM. And for once, it isn't for my sanity! When the alarm goes off in Ethan's room at 7:30 he can barely function. This morning I found him sitting in his closet (buck naked) staring down at a Lego creation. He couldn't really find the words to explain to me what was happening so I just told him to giddy up. Rush rush! I don't like my kids feeling so rushed in the morning. I know we could get up earlier but then he would be even more exhausted! And going to bed at 8 still seems so early for them. They have a lot of friends in the neighborhood so there are always kids running around and it seems cruel to drag them inside when the weather is so delightfully fall-like.

Pibs had her first day of her second year of preschool today. I thought it would be big drama so I strategically decided to drop her off in the carpool lane instead of walking her in. Good move. She hopped out of the car and ran right inside, shedding nary a tear. Very good! Much improved.

I am working like a crazy person for the next few weeks. My work at Bethel becomes frenzied this time of year--I have 13 people to have individual consultations with and they were supposed to be done by today (they won't be). And I got the information 8 days ago. And I had to do all the scheduling myself. See where I am going with this? Not that I'm complaining--I'm happy to have the work!

On Monday I head back to my high school to do a Strengths presentation to two classes of "highly motivated business students". Hmmm, we'll see. Should be fun! Honestly, I'm more worried about finding my way into the building than the actual talking. The classes are both 86 minutes long with 53 and 36 kids--here's hoping they will participate! Goes so much better when people participate.

I also have three speaking engagements with MOPS this year. This one makes me a little more nervous simply because I don't have anything written already that I can use. I need to talk about using our strengths to enrich our marriage. Most of the work I do these days is focused on a team within a business. Luckily it isn't until March so I've got some time to think about it.

I do have a lot more time to work on stuff now though. Amazing what having a first grader can do! And my house stays a lot cleaner which is a bonus.

The Mad Men Challenge is plugging along...this week has caused some concern. My plan was to hit the gym while Pibs is at preschool but I have to work each of those days this week and next week. So that is really messing up my plan. But I MUST finish this, mainly because my friend Jill (and her hubs Bill) is coming to the Grand Canyon with us this year and she has finished watching all the episodes. We need to be able to talk about it, especially when we don't have In-n-Out in our mouths. Oh yes, that is so happening....yum. I shall leave you with this:

My first grader!

Ethan had a great day! He hopped off the bus with a huge grin and lots of energy. I baked him homemade cookies (his request) which he gobbled down and then ran off to play with his buddy Zane. I haven't heard much about his day except that somehow his lunchbox was left behind in the classroom at lunch and he ended up in the lunch line. I was concerned that my child (who, as you may recall, was in food therapy for a year) went hungry but no! He had a chicken sandwich and some chips. He would NEVER eat that here. Perhaps my hopes and dreams of peer pressure will come true!

I did get a call from his teacher and I thought, this can't be a good sign for the year! But she was only calling to verify which bus he was supposed to be on. The bus company gave her the wrong information and he was apparently very insistent that she was wrong. Good for him!

Hopefully when things settle down later he will tell me a little bit more. But I am just so thrilled that he loves school!

It was a quiet day here with just Pibs and I. She is definitely a quieter kid, more so than I realized. I always feel like there is so much noise here but now I realize it was more Ethan than her.

All in all, a very good day. I feel at peace.

MMC update

I'm 11 episodes in now. 41 to go in 44 days. This is going to be trickier than I had first thought!

Mad Men started out a little slow, I had a hard time getting into it. But now that I am coming up on the end of Season 1, I'm hooked. I still can't get over how much boozing and smoking goes on--did they just feel like garbage every day?

Even though it is a drama, there are definitely some funny moments. Like when Sally was running around with a plastic dry cleaning bag on her head--her mom warned her that the dry cleaning better not be in a pile on the floor but said nothing about the bag on her head.

And when Joan showed Peggy her desk? "Don't be overwhelmed by all this technology"--I think there was a phone and a typewriter. Ha!