As many of you know, I struggle with my weight. I guess I always have to a certain extent; however, this past year has been the worst it has ever been. I haven't lost anything since Olivia was born. I've tried Weight Watchers, which has worked great in the past, but this time I had no luck. I've tried all sorts of exercise products and read books on it. But I have never been able to sustain my commitment longer than two weeks.
I also feel a sense of desperation about my weight. I feel like I need to lose 3 pounds per week and get frustrated when I don't--the frustration leads me to feel like a failure which leads me to make bad choices. I feel embarrassed that I am still so heavy a year after having a baby. I feel like I am dangerously close to slipping over the edge of permanently turning into an unhealthy mom who wears dirty clothes all day because she just doesn't care anymore.
I was at a garage sale last week and picked up a book for $1 by Bob Greene, who is Oprah's trainer. Please know that I don't care for Oprah and could care less about that fact but I only point it out because I feel like it gives him some credibility. Anyway, I started reading this book and suddenly things became clear to me. Before he even says a word about eating or exercising, he talks about getting emotionally ready to lose weight and get healthy. Most of the other books I've read talk about following some crazy diet and exercise program--none of them had ever mentioned being emotionally ready. So as I read this book, I took notes. I wrote down the thoughts that came to me when I read particular sections of the book. What I realized was that my emotions are heavily tied up in this weight issue. I never have thought of myself as an emotionally eater. But when I really started to think about it, I totally am. I don't eat to cover up pain from traumatic experiences or anything--I eat when I am bored. I eat when I want to celebrate. I eat when I feel like I have failed at eating well! :) That is whack.
So I have finally decided to do something about. For real. It's like rehab for me. I'm committing to it because I want to and because I feel that this is the only way to change my habits. It has only been two days but I'm feeling great. I signed a contract with myself. There is no penalty if I fail other than having to live with that knowledge. I wasn't planning to post this on my blog but when I started thinking through the reasons, I realized that I was embarrassed by my situation and that I didn't want others to know if I fail. So right there I saw that I HAD to post it on here. I can't be giving myself safety nets and leeway.
Here is the contract that I have posted all over the house:
I commit to:
-regular exercise, according to plan (I've been getting up at 6:30 AM to make this happen)
-self control with regard to my eating (being conscious of what I am eating/drinking)
-not eating after 7 PM (this one has been hard--I never realized how much I snack at night!)
-not drinking soda (this was my idea--I have a hard core addiction to diet pop and it makes me crave crappy food)
-drinking at least 48 ounces of water daily (I've been drinking more like 80!)
-drinking alcohol no more than once per week (this will only be on Saturdays)
-eat simply to satisfy my nutritional needs rather than my emotional needs
-not stepping on the scale for 12 weeks
You may wonder how I will see progress if I don't weigh myself. I tried on a pair of jeans (size 14) that are very tight. I will try them on from time to time to see if there is any change. Seeing the numbers on the scale does not motivate and I've realized that in the past, I've been obsessed with the numbers rather than general health. So this time I'm aiming to be a comfy size 12 (for starters).
So that is the plan. And here is the horrible number that we can hopefully look at with shock in 12 weeks: 197 pounds. My current weight as of yesterday. Ew.
I will keep you updated on my trip to rehab!
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